Yes, every single night I cry. It’s the only thing I know to do to release my feelings effectively. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m disappointed. I can’t believe my life is where it is and not where I had planned to be. I remember having big dreams as a child and now I’m pretty much a single mom trying to keep her kids happy.
I know I asked for the separation. I get it, I’ve accepted that I have to do things on my own, but I didn’t ask for him to separate from the kids. I wish he could put aside his anger and sadness with me to come spend some time with them. I’m slowly running out of excuses. My heart aches for them and I feel like it’s my fault or that they will someday blame me. I’ll let them, of course, because I don’t want them to hate their dad.
Instead I cry every night. I cry over the debt we are in that I’m trying to get us out of. I cry over the thought that I may have to sell my house. I cry over the fact that my kids deserve better than what I’m giving them. It’s been one thing after another and I’m trying. I try to be strong. I know I can be.
I know my friends must feel sorry for me. Poor thing, so much debt, all alone. I want more. I want more for me and more for my kids. I will find my way, I know I will. I hate being reliant on people. I was independent once and I will be again.
Trying to figure out what to do. Life has certainly gotten harder these last few months. Deciding whether to stay or leave is not something I ever thought I would do. I want to be happy. I want them to be happy. I want him to be happy. Ugh. Life.